The Pioneer Adds 25 Things

There is a wave of honesty going on in the ether-world. Apparently it is now the time, since it is free, to spend an inordinate of time doing two things: Facebook and Introspection.

No, introspection is not a cool new program from Mac, it is something that causes perfectly happy people to discuss their fears in an open forum. Some of them, as perfectly ironic as it could be, are fearful of discussing things in an open forum. I love it. I once wrote a piece that was this VERY thing and luck stands on my side that it was picked up and published somewhere. So I have proof, I'm saying. I was introspective before Facebook told me to be introspective. I had titled it, originally, the Modern Male's Manifesto.

It was an attempt at getting girls. I wrote things that people should know off the bat, things that other people just kind of forget to include during times of emotional growth. And it kind of worked - - but not for me. A friend of mine showed it to people he knew and was abundantly rewarded with sexual and social favors. That is all neither here nor there, the published version held the title of "These Are My Answers" and was published by Denver Syntax at the following address: http://www.denversyntax.com/issue11/fiction/snapp/answers.html

For the sheer excitement of it all, let's see if we can't put out another 25 to add to it. A version 28.0 before version 29.0 includes geritol and a walker. These aren't numbered, but there are definitely 25 of them.

As I have been writing this, the egg yolk that I gently caressed into an over-easy state has popped and infiltrated the sliced banana. There is a solid and strong reason we don't serve banana omelettes, the two flavors aren't "cohesive."

I have been bored out of my skin lately. I feel a little like a person who works in a Blockbuster and has to watch the inhouse previews over and over again. There were exciting bits one time, but now it's just noise and pictures.

I have found and am enjoying Ohs, a cereal that Josh Hogan's Mom used to buy for him and I would eat while he and I shot pool in his basement listening to PM Dawn.

Living in Scottsdale has made me money-hungry and image-conscious.

Living in Maui made me financially ambivalent and image-blind.

Living in Denver made me lazily impoverished and image-ignorant. I actually looked like a yeti, a poor, happy yeti.

Reading those three places makes me wonder why Scottsdale is my address.

I have been eating way too much candy lately. If broccoli was filled with synthetic peanut butter and had a thin candy shell, we might have a ball game. But its not.

I have once again given myself too many projects to complete. Doing it this way allows me to give 10% to ten projects instead of 100% to any of them.

Man, that is annoying, isn't it? Ahh introspection, you devil you.

I worry that I've spent a lot of time studying wine and fine dining for the culmination, both professionally and financially, to have fallen in a time when people don't want to "go out" as much any more.

I'm concerned I've broken my thumb. It clicks.

I bought QuickBooks yesterday at Best Buy and while the price tag said 199.99 it only rang up as 99.99. If this means that simply owning a copy of QuickBooks makes everything half as expensive or makes everything twice as valuable, I can't believe I didn't buy it earlier.

Gas was still the same price on the way home.

Speaking of which, it's going back up, huh?

Oprah told everyone that one way to save money was to tip 10-15% for great service at a restaurant. I wonder if this means I'm allowed to pay the electrician 50%-75% of what he usually gets for doing his job well, or maybe I could fly to Chicago and assault Oprah with handfuls of raw beef.

I hate it when people order Mojitos.

I am mystified by long-distance runners.

I think Jack Johnson, while comfortably predictable, is a genius.

I am concerned that the global economy won't support my eventual vagabond status.

I would like dual citizenship.

I don't believe that Terminator 1, 2, 3 will start happening in 2012. I believe that we will likely remake Terminator 1, 2, 3 in 2012 and people will watch them by swallowing tiny computers and washing them down with synthetic orange juice.

I don't know how to use QuickBooks. I do know Anita. And Anita knows QuickBooks, but she's busy as hell right now. Shame about that.

I'm voting we all start moving to big community houses, communes if you will, have group meals and group entertainment. It sounds fun.

I'm not sure that my 25 live up to what they could have been but it was my goal to not stop typing, just keep writing. No real editing or second thoughts. I think I threatened Oprah Winfrey with beef at some point, I hope she knows that I can't afford a flight to Chicago because she told everyone to short-change the recession-proof restaurant industry. I'd like to show her a simple equation. Less People + Smaller Gratuities = 20%-40% decrease in financial strength. It's a double-edged sword, Winfrey, it's a recession for the little people too.