Time Travel

Someone told me that there was a man in the world who was trying to visit all the Starbucks in existence. His goal was to drink a delicious coffee drink at every single location in a certain amount of time. If you have more information about this man or why on earth he wanted to do such a thing, let me know.
Anyhow, I’m sitting here in a Starbucks currently, and I have just finished enjoying a triple grande latte, which is Starbuxian for Strong Coffee with Milk, and the amount of giddy-up I have from this one drink is enough for me to pull-start a small building. The other added bonus is increased "regularity" which, so long as I’m not too detailed about it, makes regular "regularity" look and feel like regular "constipation."
If I were to visit all the Starbucks locations in Scottsdale alone, I can think of thirteen within a five-ten mile radius from my front door, enjoying an espresso and a short stop in the lavatory in each fine location, I think that by the time I was through I might be able to time-travel. And at that point, having achieved one of the coolest things there is to achieve, the only thing I would consider is going back in time to punch my own self in the face for even considering drinking thirteen shots of espresso in one day.
It’s possible that my future self has already done this and this was the cause of my recent and still mildly uncomfortable jaw dislocation.
Have I had this dream before? Am I dreaming now?
Have I thought these thoughts previously, acted on them and gone back in time to prevent myself from actually doing so?
Ah. That is a pickle.

Twas The Night Before Election

A Little Poem to Brighten Your Day

(*if anyone so much as critiques the rhyme scheme on this or tells me that an iamb is out of place, or that I've gone and pissed all over formal tetrameter - - we're not rewriting Longfellow, just cracking wise. . .*)



Twas the night before election
and all through the land
the pundits are hedging
with their heads in the sand.
The candidates are exhausted
and likely on edge
both of them eager
to sit down and vedge.
And somewhere in the US
Sits a Senator who is crying
For all her truth telling
and through all her husband’s lying,
She’s been a political machine
A fact that no one is denying.
But for this election day
With her fans smiling and doting
The only thing she’ll be able to do
Is a little waving and voting.
And somewhere else is another,
A symbol of not-sure-what
Who was governor of a populace
Some of whom lived in a hut,
She’s undressing for bed
In a hotel high-rise
Donna Karan and Gucci in a pile
A sparkle of vacancy in both of her eyes.
I’d like to think of her
while brushing her teeth
in a Mickey Mouse t-shirt
(and sensible things underneath)
humming a tune, a hockey anthem perhaps
wondering how she’d gotten there,
how she’d won political craps.
And tomorrow will come
as tomorrow always does
the sun up there shining,
the bees giving their buzz,
Churches and schoolyards
transformed for a day
into political dead-zones
"Here to vote? Right this way."
There won’t be any more slander
no more political trashings
We won’t see Tina Fey
Handing out comedy bashings.
The American people
just as silly as ever
will be driving to polling places
their bumper stickers so clever
and with Starbucks in one hand
a cellular phone in the other
they’ll wait forty minutes
to solemnly discover
they just can’t remember
can’t seem to get it quite straight
to which propositions
they most nearly relate
"Do I hate immigrants more
Or is it the gays?
Do I rewrite the marriage law?
Did I leave the iron on today?"
And we’ll watch out the coverage,
With the word recession on our lips
with Plasma screen tvs in our dens
and designer jeans on our hips.
Wolf Blitzer will be there,
his beard all a flutter
and at some point in the evening
that great phrase he will utter
"The next President of the United States..."
And he won’t need to struggle
He won’t need to push
Because any name he says
will be better than Bush.


By the time you all read this, having, I hope, prioritized your day to leave this blog at the very end of the "check if I have time" list (especially since its been over two weeks since anything has appeared here) we will have another president. It is great news, and a sigh of relief will be shared by all. Happy Voting.