Mele Kaliki Boxing Day

Well Merry Christmas.

And Merry One Day After Christmas - which I think, and without taking any time to look it up or even think twice about it, is also Boxing Day in Canada. Which sounds like Sugar Ray Leonard giving out gifts or hurting people - it's actually just about the means of conveyance for ones Christmas Presents. Similar, I'd imagine, to calling Easter something like Basket Day.

Anyhow, I was aiming whole-heartedly to have a Christmas Declaration/Proclamation ready and posted for Christmas Eve and my aims have once again fallen to the wayside. Aim or not, the message should ring true: Love one another, Love yourself, Buy Presents, Take Care of Those Who Take Care of You, Overtip on New Years Eve. That says it if nothing else does.

Christmas is an increasingly crazy time of year where we shift our greed from ourselves to others. The only thing you are still allowed to be greedy about (which is fundamentally American, I think, to have at least some amount of deep-black-hot greed in your body) are parking spaces and specific chocolate treats. I work in an entertainment complex (I will not say mall) and one of the issues at this particular entertainment complex is parking. There isn't nearly enough. They've built four story parking garages, plowed out trees and landscaping to put in new parking lots and they've even purchased overflow from the Westin Hotel next door. There is still never enough and this always confused me because I could always find a parking space. Up to the second floor of the parking garage, in the corner - - always a couple open ones there.

But that isn't the parking problem. The problem is that there exist only 30 spots in front of the stores and restaurants. That's the ONLY parking that is good enough, because the other parking is too far away. From a time standpoint, it takes two minutes to drive, park, and walk to work from the outer realm of the parking lot. Just for the sake of argument, I circled the main drag as the bulk of the other shoppers do waiting for that perfect coincidence of having someone in front of me roll past a car as the brake lights flash on. . . 25 minutes. In that 25 minutes, as I proved in the next 25 minutes, I could have done all my Christmas Shopping and been back in my car.

My father called it Man Shopping and there were rules to follow. Last year in his absence we spent the Christmas holiday in Cabo San Lucas which wasn't very Christmasy at all. It felt like Spanish Maui, actually, without the Bing Crosby version of Mele Kalikimaka. This year we did it up right, however, congregating in Denver for a white-out Christmas Blizzard and good old alpine skiing.

Ahem. Man Shopping.

On the last, or second to last day before Christmas, a man will sit at his kitchen table and drink egg nog (it is morning time, so no rum, just the nog). He will quickly write down three or four necessities and the shops he might likely find them on a slip of paper. He doesn't know this, and he hasn't learned from several years of similar behavior, but this list will get thrown away after the first store. That's all right - the first rule of Man Shopping is: No Lists.

The second rule deals with timing. Spending more than ten minutes in a store without making purchases will swallow your whole day. If a store doesn't have what you think you need or you think someone will be able to enjoy or something that you can pass off as thoughtful or enjoyable, move on. Keep your credit card in your front pocket for ease of use. Man Shopping #2: The clock is ticking, and there might be sports on TV. Hustle it up.

In the store, navigate in a large circle, always moving. After one pass, you should know/remember where each item you'd like to buy is located. Do quick math. Will your arms suffice or do you need a basket/frontloader/shopping cart/small peasant boy to help you carry your items? Act accordingly, and on the second sweep grab all your items. Two laps, one set of gifts - five minutes. Leave some space for whatever is on sale in the checkout line as everyone wants one of those (whatever they are, you always want them. And Christmas is about giving people the things that they want and don't need. You never NEED 36 AA batteries, but every time you see that package you think - Damn, what I couldn't do with all of those.)

Man Shopping #3: Keep all the receipts. Keep all of them because Man Shopping is on par with blackout drinking. You may not remember what the hell you actually bought and if your little boy or girl opens up a power saw that is clearly not safe for show-and-tell in Mrs. Jankis' third grade class, you'll want to be able to return it and exchange it for new speakers or a down payment on a really big television (after Christmas, it's okay to spend returned money on yourself, the American Greed Machine is in high-gear the day after Christmas, just look at all the sales.)

Men didn't always have Barnes and Nobles - but there have always been places (big malls in suburban areas) where a group of underfunded girl scouts are gleefully wrapping your purchases in shiny paper, their little hands perfect for creasing the corners and applying the bows. Make this your last stop and make sure you have some cash left over. Bring everything in and slap a $20 down on the their little card table as if betting your last money on Black 13 in Las Vegas.

"$20! Wrap 'em up!" you'll say.

For $20, everything you bought will be lovingly placed in paper, garnished with tinsel and string and made to look as if you'd taken the time weeks ago to be certain everything was just right.

All told, a shopping agenda of three or four people (with a few gifts per person) can be taken care of in under two hours.

A note for those female readers: The last two days of the shopping season are an absolutely excellent time to watch the scenery. If you're looking for a man for New Years, put your running shoes on, lace them up tight, and get out there for Man Shopping. You'll have to pounce when you see them as they are moving fast, buying without forethought or cost analysis, and have already left the store in their mind before even entering it. But if you can keep the pace with them, bumping into them accidentally a few times, there will be an open block of time near the end of their shopping day when the Girl Scouts are curling the ribbon ends where the men will be grazing on biscuits or cups of coffee. That is when it is best to attack.

Make sure to make a date for AFTER CHRISTMAS because if you come on too strong, the possible male/date might get that distant looks in his eye, his face glassing over as he realizes that this new woman in his life might want a Christmas gift. That blank stare means more man shopping and once you've spooked a man from the grazing area around the girl scouts he might shop and shop and shop, and you'll lose sight of him between Country Music and Home Repairs. I've seen it a hundred times, and there's nothing jolly about it.

Happy Boxing Day.