A New Career Path: Counseling

Dear Snapp,
I have a problem. For six episodes in the early 90s I was an extra on 90210. I sat right behind Jennie Garth during that plotline where she was struggling in chemistry or biology or something and because of my location, right over her left shoulder, I got a lot air time. The problem that I’m having is that the only people that remember my involvement in the show, somewhat integral when you watch the episodes again like I do every year starting on 9/21, are my mother, her gay brother Vance, and the three other guys in my acting class. I wore glasses that I didn’t need, I wore a sweater even though we were shooting through a crazy Indian summer, I hired a publicist to ignite a brushfire around this central role that I’d landed as “Smart Kid Behind Kelly.” And it worked too, as I said earlier, I was in six episodes. I got work in commercials for school supplies and back to school shopping. I did print work for TJ Maxx, that’s national you know. It didn’t matter that I was thirty-six at the time and had to shave my face four times a day, I was famous.
And what kind of response did I get when I sent over a headshot to the new producers of 90210 as it has triumphantly returned to the air? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Mr. Spelling and I had conversations regularly when I was a regular on his series twenty years ago. We talked about cars, chairs, good food, all kinds of things. And the time that he backed over me in his golf cart was for my character to develop a broken leg, have crutches, and have a dialogue with Jennie Garth. He was giving me dialogue!
I’ll never forget our first conversation. I had a question about the script for the episode we were shooting. The stage direction said: Background: Nerdy kid chews pencil.
I wanted to know more, I wanted to know if this was meant to be a cautious nibble, a pensive bite or some kind of nervous tick where I lock my molars into the soft yellow wood.
“Mr. Spelling, I have a question.”
“The craft services are not for the extras. Put that down. You’re blocking the view from my chair.”
I know that I’m fifty now and I know that directing school plays in East LA is an honorable profession for under 20k a year (so honorable they have Shannen Doherty portraying the role I was born for in the new series), but I want my old job back. I know you don’t have any pull in Hollywood, are only a marginally published young writer and have only sour recollections of 90210 and its years of glory, but I’m asking for your help. Any help. I was recently turned down for the role of “Fourth Homeless Man” on an episode of CSI New York, my spirits are really low, and every time I turn on the CW, there it is slapping my eyes in the face, or it’s slapping me, you know, right in the eyes. You know what I mean. I’m at the end of my rope here, and you seem like someone who would take this seriously. I read your letter to Brett Favre, and I hope that he found it as inspiring as I did. Thank you.


Yours with hope,

Smart Kid Behind Kelly