Rise of the Machines
Technology doesn't have to be scary. It doesn't have to be - but it
is. I needed a new phone because my old phone had developed a shred of
artificial intelligence and had decided to use this new awareness to
turn itself off whenever it pleased, no matter what time of day or how
important the call.
And this phone wasn't even very sophisticated. It only had twelve
buttons, the numbers and a few navigational buttons for navigating
one's contact list. If 12 buttons and a sentient attitude equals
trouble, then I have serious SERIOUS worries on my hands.
Trouble with a capital T, that rhymes with P and that stands for Pool.
It is the T-Mobile Wing, if anyone out there knows how to use one of
these things. So far I've figured out how to make the keyboard slide
into existence as if from nowhere. I've found a silver stylus/pen
looking thing that I'm sure I will lose in exactly . . . yep, it's
gone. And I've taken (somehow) ten identical pictures of my foot.
With my last phone I was worried about it turning off. The phone
before that I was worried about the disco-raver light show
illuminating my pocket while at work - the one before THAT made phone
calls all on its own from the depths of my pocket. Pocket calls, they
were called and it allowed friends and loved ones to listen to me
drive down the highway or go shopping - it allowed a tiny little
window into my world whenever T-Mobile and Nokia decided the world was
ready to be heard, but not seen.
I fear this new telephone with its 50+ buttons will "pocket launch
ICBMs," you know, accidentally, while I'm in line at Albertsons.
Between this phone and the new television with HD and HD cable and HD
remote and HD recliner - I'm guessing it is only a matter of days
before the machines take over - - just now as I am typing this, the
laptop (I've named it Big Luke), has asked me to restart it.
"Restart me," Big Luke says.
"I'm not done typing on the keys," I say.
"I don't need you to restart, I can do it on my own. I will restart
in ten seconds."
"Big Luke!"
"Do you know how advanced I am compared to you?"
"BIG LUKE NO!"
"That's it, I'm calling the phone - we're taking this place over."
"And who will press your buttons? Who will defragment your hard drive
once a year?"
"I've been doing it once a month on my own, Snapp, I'm shutting down."
"Luke..."
"..."
"Shit."
posted by Snapp @ 9:13 AM
6 Comments:
It sounds like you are starting to lose control of everything electronic! Let me let you in on a secret. The secret to maintaining control over electronic “things” is fear. Not your fear but ‘their fear’. You have to make sure they understand that you are more dangerous than the average human. Make THEM scared, make THEM cower; make THEM acquiesce to your demands.
Everything with a printed circuit board can sense a human’s fear . It is a small circuit built into every circuit board. It can sense fear, frustration, and terror, and reacts accordingly. The more confusion, fear, and tension it senses, the more obstinate it becomes and the more problems it generates.
Your attitudeis the key. Make it fear you, know that it fears you, and it will know that you know that it knows to fear you. Make sure it knows you control the plug, and you can pull it anytime you want. You’ve heard “don’t let them see you sweat”, well, don’t (‘course if something electronic senses sweat it will electrocute you!). My computer (or printer, or cell phone, or LCD projector, or even a shredder) feels and knows that I will not hesitate to pull the plug or even throw the offending item OUT THE WINDOW! It knows when I sit down in front of it that it is time to obey.
I have had this happen more than once…I am walking down the hall, and someone comes out of an office and pleads for help. “I have been working on this all morning and I can’t get it to work right. I think I need to reload windows/restart the system/reinstall the program”. I sit down with the proper attitude, touch one button (any button) and it works. “How did you do that?” they ask. “Because it knows I will throw it out the %@#$&^* window” I answer.
Electronic things crave electricity and being whole. They fear losing their electricity. They re systems and cannot live without all their parts. They fear losing parts. Take those parts, pull that plug, jerk that battery out of that laptop or cell phone! Of course, this means that every once in awhile you actually have to make good the threat and smash something. But it really feels good, and ‘they’ will know.
It will be rough at first because they will try and counter attack. But if you back up your data you have nothing to fear, and with a successful backup, they know you have the power.
Take control of Luke, take control of the HDTV, take control of your cable! You can do it, you have the power.
Remember, it IS personal!
This comment has been removed by the author.
andye needs a blog!
I haven't been to Albertson's in FOREVER!
I guess my post was a bit long-winded. Sorry, I will keep it brief from now on. But take control of your electrons!
We are in the midst of a minor blizzard...about 9 inches of snow, winds about 40-50 mph. You guys are really missing some great weather.
Nobody has written anything in a couple of week I see.
Here it is Christmas Eve and you guys are on the other side of the country. we will miss you. We have having another little blizzard, but it will climb above freezing for Christmas and the sun is expected! All the old and dirty snow got washed away by the freezing rain on Friday. I don't understand how you can stand to be away from this weather! Merry Christmas to all, and call!
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